It’s the weekend, you’ve got exciting plans to visit friends and family. But let’s be honest, you’re going to blow all that off and lie on the sofa watching telly like normal people, so here’s our guide to the best films this weekend.
Legends of the Fall – 19.35 Sony Movie Channel
Brad Pitt, Anthony Hopkins, and everyone from the nineties moon about on a ranch in Montana. There’s probably a tragic death at some point. What? No, of course I haven’t seen it. Sounds bloody awful.
Paul – 22.10 ITV2
Comedy about an alien called something-or-other. Can’t remember.
First Knight – 15.45 Sony Movie Channel
At last. A film about King Arthur that takes the time to nicely blow-dry everyone’s hair. You can’t tell me a royal court wouldn’t have nice hair.
The Lord of the Rings – 17.25 ITV2
Obviously Lord of the Rings is on. Why wouldn’t it be. Just in case you missed it last week. Or the week before. Or any weekend ever in the last ten years.
Mission: Impossible Rogue Nation – 21.00 Channel 4
What’s an impossible rogue nation?
Unstoppable – 19.05 Film Four.
Drama about an unstoppable train. Spoiler: they stop it.
Casualties of War – 23.15 5Spike
Harrowing Vietnam drama with Michael J. Fox. Not enough time travel or turning into a werewolf.
The Krays – 21.00 ITV4
Blokes from Spandau Ballet do proper cockney gangster and no mistake guvnor. Apples and pears. Boat race. They only ever hurt their own. All that.
Frankly, I wish they’d stuck to True. Lovely song, that.
Hearts of War – 21.00 Movies4Men
No idea. Only included because it sounds like it could be a Spandau Ballet b-side.