It’s the weekend and you can either contemplate the awful truth that life is fleeting, transient, and ultimately meaningless or you can sit about in your pants watching these great films.
Saturday
Heat 21.00 Dave
Al Pacino shouts at everyone for several hours before meeting Robert DeNiro to do acting over a coffee.
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith 17.20 ITV2
Spoilers: Anakin Skywalker turns into Darth Vader. Ben Kenobi so sad he moves to Edinburgh to become a heroin addict.
First Knight 11.30 Sony Movie Channel
Romance and adventure from a time when knights had beautifully blow-dried hair.
They just didn’t make the effort in the Middle-ages.
Sunday
Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring 15.30 ITV
Lazy wizard can’t be arsed to take ring to volcano so makes hobbits do it instead. They take ages.
Skyfall 21.00 ITV2
James Bond shoots the bad men. Whole thing turns into Home Alone at the end.
Meteor Apocalypse 16.48 Horror Channel
Thoughtful drama about a farmer in Andalusia wrestling with ill-health and a failing harvest.
Would have been an Oscar contender if they’d thought of a better name.
New films at the cinema
The Meg
Jason Statham duffs up a shark. Shark probably spilt his pint or looked at him funny. Whatever, shark won’t do it again.
Dog Days
Bunch of cartoon dogs have an adventure. Everyone learns a valuable lesson. Features a comedy seal. This film will be shown on repeat in hell for eternity.
New on DVD (if you get it from a second-hand shop)
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Hippie scientists defeat invading aliens by playing Jean-Michel Jarre music at them.
Features some business with mashed potato.
The precise summaries always help me choose. Thank you for your service.
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