In a surprise move, the new biography of seminal author JRR Tolkien will show detailed depictions his intensely pornographic Hobbit fantasies.
Before settling on a story of good battling evil playing out across the vivid fantasy land of Middle-Earth, the film will posit that Tolkien planned to use the setting for an erotic odyssey through The Shire.
“We are focusing on Tolkien as a young man,” confirmed director Dome Karukoski.
“It is likely that during that period of his life he spent a great deal of time imagining writhing naked hobbits doing things to each other in the charming, bucolic setting of Hobbitton.
“As such, we will not shy away from depicting this.”
In fact, it is rumoured that the film will open with Frodo being pleasured by two naked female hobbits while Samwise Gamgee looks on, confused about his feelings for his ‘master’ Frodo.
However, the film will not limit itself to the depiction of hobbit sex-fantasies.
“No, there is some great elf-on-elf action at Rivendell, we see a young Gandalf and Sauron in bed together and a scene with Treebeard and a dwarf that has to be seen to be believed,” confirmed Karukoski.
“And there is literally no proof whatsoever that Tolkien didn’t have these fantasies, so what’s anyone going to say about it?”
Tolkien: Red Hot and Steamy in Middle Earth will be released later this year.
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