It’s the weekend, and as your plans for the weekend amount to lying on the sofa wondering why you don’t have better plans for the weekend, you’re probably going to want to watch some films.
Luckily, here’s some films.
Friday
The Evil Dead BBC3 10.00
Too grizzly for me. I prefer The Nice, Jolly Dead.
Star Trek: Into Darkness Film4 18.15
Han Solo and Doctor Spock battle to save the Ring of Gondor from Harry Potter’s horcrux. Something like that.
Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle E4 21.00
The Rock goes to live in a videogame with hilarious consequences.
Saturday
Halloween Channel 4 23.35
Horrible teenagers have sex in other people’s beds. Rightly slaughtered.
The Sixth Sense 21.00 Sony Movie Channel
Everyone is a ghost except Bruce Willis’s wig.
Pompeii AMC 19.00
John Snow (Not Channel 4 news, Game of Thrones) moons about looking grumpy in front of special effects that look like someone made them on their phone.
Sunday
Crank ITV4 22.00
Statham klaxon! Jase’s heart is going to stop unless he sucks an electric cable and has sex in the road. Just an average day out for Jase.
Mission: Impossible Rogue Nation Film4 21.00
Fact: Since the UK has left the EU, by law, this has to be referred to as Mission: Impossible Red Nation.
What is an impossible rogue nation anyway?
Will You Merry Me? 20.00 GREAT! Movies Christmas
Dear God.
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