The Nation Association of Henchman today issue the following requests in an attempt to enhance working conditions within crime organisations and improve relations between our members and crime lords.
1, Fewer arbitrary shootings.
The life of a henchman is a dangerous one. Shootings are to be expected, henchmen understand this.
However, in recent years arbitrary shootings from crime lords have become endemic in our profession.
We have countless examples of crime lords shooting henchmen for reasons that include the following
- Being angry about something outside of the henchman’s control
- To ‘set an example’ to other henchmen
- Boredom
- Excitement over taking receipt of a new firearm
- Aiming at a different henchman
We must stand against this and ask that crime lords do everything in their power to not arbitrarily shoot their henchmen unless absolutely necessary, and even then, we would ask that the shooting is designed to maim rather than kill.
The benefits to henchmen of not being shot are clear, but there is also a clear advantage to crime lords as both productivity and motivation have been proven to increase amongst henchmen who are not shot.
2, A formal system of performance appraisal.
There is considerable documented evidence that being punched in the face is not a useful form of feedback. Despite this, the punch to the face remains many crime organisations’ primary method of performance criticism.
We would request that crime lords refrain from using violence as a form of feedback and, instead, adopt a system of formal periodical employee appraisals.
This will allow the crime lord and henchman an open forum in which to discuss the henchman’s performance in the workplace.
A henchman’s performance would be judged against a number of role-based categories that could include the following:
- Unquestioning loyalty
- Sneering
- Kung-fu kicks
- Checking out weird noises that the crime lord heard in the woods, cellar or attic
The crime lord and henchman would also seek to agree a number of smart targets that are unique to the individual henchman, for example – ‘Weekly intimidation of local store-owners’ or ‘Development of an efficient compound patrol route.’
The combination of standard role-based categories and smart targets should allow for a well-rounded and fair workplace appraisal system.
We would also, however, recommend that appraisals offer an opportunity for 360-degree feedback in which the henchman can give constructive criticism to the crime lord without fear of being buried in cement under a new housing development.
3, Better training.
There are numerous high-profile examples of a rogue or maverick cop infiltrating a crime lord’s compound and, with just a single handgun, massacring cohorts of henchmen and arresting the crime lord after a man-to-man fistfight on the lawn in the rain.
A small investment in training could see a dramatic decrease in such instances.
Instead of the rogue or maverick cop slipping over the crime lord’s compound wall and causing havoc amongst untrained but enthusiastic henchmen, he would be immediately shot dead by a strategically stationed sniper who has been trained to a military standard of marksmanship and attentiveness.
Our recommendation is a two-week training programme with mercenaries based in the jungles of a corrupt South American state.
We have reached out to a leading mercenary group and have secured a 10% discount rate for all our members. Please book any training through our organisation to take advantage of this limited-time offer.
4, A formal career progression path.
Without the opportunity for career advancement, it can be very difficult for anyone to remain motivated.
Henchmen often look ahead and see nothing more than a lifetime of henchery ending in either retirement or death at the hands of a rogue or maverick cop.
We would encourage crime organisations to adopt some form of career progression to reward ambitious and loyal henchman.
Our suggestion for a formal career progression path would be the following:
- Goon
- Henchman second class
- Henchman first class
- Thug
- Crony
- Right-hand man
With the option at stage 4 to take a sideways career move and become a Lacky.
Motivated and ambitious henchmen will prove more effective members of any crime lord’s team.
5, A standard, dignified and pleasant uniform.
A uniform can give the henchman dignity, promote teamwork and help bolster a strong brand for the crime organisation.
Our suggestion for a henchman’s uniform would be a sleeveless denim jacket worn over a bare chest, ostentatious cowboy boots, and hair cut into a neat mullet. Sunglasses and toothpick for chewing are optional.
The sleeveless denim jacket should contain a small, tasteful crime organisation logo on the lapel, or a larger, more ostentatious crime organisation logo across the back.
We are confident that the adoption of these simple recommendations will see crime organisations benefit from a boost in morale and productivity and a significant increase in rogue and/or maverick cop scheme-thwarting.
Some links to other bits of the blog that you’ll love*…
*Alright, perhaps ‘love’ is pushing it, maybe ‘be mildly diverted by’
Want to know what’s on telly this next week? No problem, click on this TV Film Guide
Want to impress friends with your superior film knowledge? You’ll be wanting the Fun Facts page.
Be the first to comment