It’s either watch this lot or talk to your family.
Christmas Eve
Home Alone – Channel 4 17.30
Small boy tortures idiot burglars for your entertainment, you sickos.
Frozen – BBC1 15.00
No, *you* let it go.
A Christmas Carol – Channel 4 13.10
Ghosts defraud businessman by convincing him his future will be awful.
Unforgiven – ITV4 22.00
Grumpy cowboy kills everyone and then feels sad about it.
White Christmas – More4 17.45
Bing Crosby saves his friends hotel by singing a song, the name of which escapes me.
Christmas Day
Back to the Future – Channel 4 14.35
Marty travels back to 1955 to try and find a way back to 1985.
The Sting – ITV4 13.55
The adventures of a drowsy bee.
Deadpool – Film4 21.00
The adventures of superhero whose chief power appears to be the ability to be irritating.
Spartacus – ITV4 16.10
No, I’m on ITV4 at 16.10
Midnight Run – Film4 23.10
Grumpy bounty hunter has heart touched by grumpy white-collar criminal in greatest film ever. Watch this!
Twins – 5* 12.35
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito are twins with hilarious consequences that are not included in this film.
Boxing Day
The Wolf of Wall Street – Channel 4 23.05
Too much sniffing cocaine off of bums, not enough wolves.
Ratatouille – Channel 4 17.00
Rat opens restaurant. Based on the story of the 2001 Masterchef winner
Beethoven – Channel 5 21.35
Warm-hearted tale of an ordinary family who adopt an eighteenth century composer
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