Hi, I’m top director Ridley Scott. I made A Good Year, Robin Hood and a Hovis bread advert. Millennials and their cellphones made me direct a long, boring film about grumpy knights, but that’s not the worst of it. Here’s my top five things that millennials have ruined with their cellphones.
1, Being a hermit
Being a hermit used to be a lovely thing. You’d live in a cave, grow a nice beard, and then go a bit mad for lack of company. Now, with millennials and their cellphones, you’re always in contact. You’re there in the cave, quietly writing in faeces on the wall and all of sudden a cellphone goes off and it’s a damn millennial Whatsapping you.
2, Old-style Phones with big dials on
My Hovis advert had a lovely old phone with a big dial on. It had a nice bell and everything. You don’t get them anymore because millennials can’t play Angry Birds on a phone dial. What about the man who made those old phones, eh? Oh no, millennials don’t care about him.
3, Pornographic magazines
I remember when every newsagent was resplendent with a tremendous display of grot mags that stretched the entire length of their shelves. Now? Barely even a Men Only. That’s because millennials insist on using their cellphones to look at pornography. I haven’t seen a Shaven Ravers in years.
4, Remembering what other things people in films were in
I used to be tremendous at that. You’d all be watching a film and someone would go ‘what was that guy in?’ and quick as a flash, I would know – ‘he was a customer in Open all Hours’ or ‘She was a cop in Rockford Files.’ Now, that skill simply isn’t valued anymore because of millennials just looking it up on IMDB on their cellphones and ruining it for everyone.
5, Really long films about knights being cross with each other in medieval France
Bastard millennials.
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