What foul spectacle is to be visited upon these jaded eyes today? I shudder as I open the request from my terrible masters at the supposedly ‘amusing’ Screen-Idle.com.
Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets – what fresh hell is this.
Once more I venture from my sanctuary, leaving my compact disk of Glenn Gould’s magnificent recording of the Goldberg Variations paused at the beginning of the Aria, so that on my return, my soul can once more be nourished after the violation it will suffer at the hands of Monsieur Besson’s latest cinematic atrocity.
I take to my seat surrounded by the most profound examples of the theory that parts of humankind have yet to evolve into a fully sentient beings, all wearing varieties of soiled sportswear and constantly, constantly eating.
Whilst I am harangued from the screen by crass entreaties to purchase German automobiles, I take refuge in the memory of Patrick Marber’s magnificent 2001 production of the Caretaker at the Comedy. Young Rupert Graves was simply sublime.
I begin to feel assailed by a baffling assault of light and sound and can only conclude that the film, such as it is, has begun.
The plot is difficult to ascertain, but appears to involve two attractive people doing battle with special effects in some way.
I have literally no concept of plot or character within the context of the film and the effect is largely akin to being shouted at for two hours by a computer game.
Screen Idle star rating.
One and a half stars, I am fully aware of the anachronistic concept of a half star, but as the entire conceit of rating art with ‘stars’ is inherently facile I stand by it.
The half star is for an amusing moment with a dog. But I may well have imagined that.
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