Review – Murder on the Orient Express

So, this is weird. I’ve totally got to go and see Murder on the Orient Express because that gross fat guy who runs Screen Idle was all like ‘hey you, go and watch Murder on the Orient Express and  give me 200 words’ except with loads more swearing and bad wind.

First though, I go out and I walk round the corner to see Stumpy Dave because, like, Stumpy Dave has texted me and has got some issues.

He’s not called Stumpy Dave because he’s got no legs or anything, it’s because he had a couple of trees in his front garden and had them cut down, so there’s just a bunch of stumps there. Him having no legs is just a coincidence.

So I go round there and Stumpy Dave is like ‘I did a bad thing, man’ and I’m like ‘what did you do, Stumpy Dave?’ and he’s like ‘I totally stole a newspaper from the Chinese restaurant’ and I’m like ‘No way’ and he’s like ‘yeah, and now I’m being haunted by animal spirits.’

I ask him what he’s done with the paper and he said he threw it in the yard because the animal spirits wanted it.

So, I check it out man, and there’s a load of crows all sat on the pages from the Chinese’s newspaper.

Which made it a ‘murder on the Orient’s Express.’

Screen Idle star rating *** I bet it’s great, but I didn’t go and see it because me and Stumpy Dave were freaked out so we stayed in and ate some toast toppers

The toast toppers get ** because they were totally out of date, man