Review – Deer Hunter

Right, so, what the hell is this? Like, I’m totally against deer hunting, man. Deer are like my friend Mucky Barry – they’ve got every right to go about doing their thing without getting shot.

So, you know, it’s a moral quandary, man. I’ve got to review this because it’s, like, an all-time classic and the only other film on is a Belgian cartoon about a plover, but I don’t want to have to compromise my stance on hunting deer.

Eventually, I settle on a totally ingenious solution.

I head down to the cinema and the film starts and it’s this wedding, and it’s a totally brilliant depiction of, like, masculinity in a ceremonial arena, that really gets to the heart of what it is to be a working-class man in the modern world.

Then they all go to hunt a deer so I stand up and play the trumpet.

I mean, I say ‘play,’ I don’t know if it counts as playing if I’m just blowing into it and pressing the buttons randomly.

I’d borrowed it off Barry who used to play it at school before he discovered internet pornography and it was my ingenious solution. Like, whenever the film showed the dudes hassling the deer, I’d stand up and play the trumpet so that I didn’t have to watch the deer Armageddon.

So, yeah, you’d have thought that everyone would be all ‘yeah, nice one dude, ingenious solution, now we can totally watch The Deer Hunter but be totally distracted from any deer hunting.’

They don’t, though. The manager throws me out and says I should stick my trumpet up my arse which I can’t because I totally borrowed it off my mate which shows what he knows.

Screen Idle star rating *** – Good wedding bit, but too much deer hunting that you can’t even play a trumpet to distract you because The Man says so.