It’s the weekend. Time to lie on the sofa without any trousers on, eating your own body-weight in Malteasers and watching these great films
Friday
Octopussy ITV4 20.00
James Bong saves the world by getting off with some sexy, sexy ladies and dressing up as a clown.
Cocktail 5* 21.00
Tom Cruise throws bottles about for two hours. Fails to pour a decent pint of mild though, so wouldn’t be welcome in my local.
This would make such a good double bill with Road House (What wouldn’t, amirite? But thematically, this would be very satisfying).
World War Z E4 21.00
Brad Pitt stars as Brad Pitt in film in which Brad Pitt saves the world from awful creatures who aren’t Brad Pitt.
Saturday
The Heat ITV2 21.00
McCarthy and Bullock are a Redford and Newman for our time. Excellent Spanx scene. Say what you like about Nomadland, I bet it doesn’t have an excellent Spanx scene.
Jurassic Park Comedy Central (What?) 21.00
Giant bitey lizards get angry and chase after Sam Neill.
Girl claims to know Unix, despite evidence to the contrary.
The Heat and Jurassic Park in one weekend. Class.
Beaches 5* 16.15
Relentlessly grim sickness porn that should keep Mum off the streets for a few hours.
Sunday
The Secret Life of Pets ITV2 17.05
Apparently, they just smoke dope and masturbate.
Dirty Dancing Sony Movies 17.00
Someone puts Baby in the corner. Doesn’t got well for them.
Groundhog Day Syfy 19.00
Weatherman solves existential, philosophical crisis by getting off with Andie MacDowell.
Weird feeling we’ve done this one before.
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