Oscars declared a tie

In a surprise move, the Oscars will this year have been declared a tie.

At tonight’s ceremony, everyone agreed that everyone did ever so well and that, really, everyone is a winner.

“Every year, it’s the same thing,” said Stewart James, a representative for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

“We pick the film we all thing is best and then everyone gets all cross about it, so this year we thought the simplest thing to do is call the whole thing a tie, say everyone’s a winner and then have a nice party.”

The ceremony took place as usual, with presenters reading out the nominations but then, instead of reading out a winner, declaring that the category was a tie and offering congratulations to everyone.

Of course, as tradition dictated, the award categories were interspersed with tedious musical numbers to give everyone a chance to go to the toilet.

It is understood that the only person to oppose the concept of the tie was acting legend Jamie Lee Curtis, who was heard on several occasions muttering “Screw that, I want my damn Oscar.”

However, most people have agreed that a tie was a fair result and that everyone in the world of movies can feel good because they did their best.

Except Danielle Deadwyler, of course – she’s just not good enough.