New family animal show The Abattoir cancelled

Channel 5’s new family animal show The Abattoir has been cancelled after only two episodes.

The much-heralded new competitor to Springwatch and The Secret Life of the Zoo was presented by, one would imagine, Eamonn Holmes, a loudmouthed farmer and a token attractive lady, and debuted at 7pm last Thursday.

“I think it’s fair to say we misjudged the sort of animal show that people wanted to watch with their tea,” said David Packham, who runs Channel 5’s fledgling cute animal division.

“Turns out that all the animal shagging and defecation in that one about the zoo is fine, but you slam a bolt into the brains of a lamb and apparently that’s ‘going to far.’

“Well, we’ve learnt a lesson, I suppose.

“It’s a shame, really, because Eamonn really came into his own when talking about industrial slaughter techniques and the attractive lady was really very attractive.”

It is understood that Channel 5 received a record number of complaints, with a segment in which the loudmouthed farmer stunned a cow with a wooden mallet coming in for particular ire.

“I think that what we got right was how much people like to watch programmes about cute animals,” said Mr Packham.

“Sadly, what people don’t like is to see those animals being brutally slaughtered.

“Well, we’ll just call this a learning experience.”

It is understood that The Abattoir will be replaced with a new teatime show about cute animals that Channel 5 hope will prove less controversial.

Animal brothel will be broadcast at 7pm next Thursday.