A new Bond film has entered production that will see James Bond on a desperate mission to secure the release of previous James Bond film No Time to Die.
“Releasing No Time to Die has proved impossible for normal people,” explained Stewart James, an executive producer.
“Therefore, the only option available was to turn over the problem to the world’s greatest secret agent and see what he can do.”
Beginning in early 2020, No Time to Die is delayed a release due to an emerging pandemic. Bond is put immediately on the case and seeks to secure the release by getting off with a glamourous lady, the release is delayed until summer.
In summer, the film’s release is delayed again, despite Bond’s efforts, and so he gets off with another glamourous lady and shoots several men. The film’s release is scheduled for Autumn.
When the release is delayed again, Bond gets off with a glamourous lady, shoots several men, blows something up and does a really quite impressive stunt. Following Bond’s efforts, the film’s release is scheduled to Spring 2021.
The release is delayed again, leading to the climax of the film. Bond gets off with a glamourous lady, shoots lots of men, get off with another glamourous lady, blows something up, shoots lots of men, gets off with two glamourous ladies at the same time, blows up something absolutely massive, shoots an exceptionally large man, does a frankly incredible stunt, gets up with the most glamourous lady in the film and makes a light-hearted jokey remark.
The film is scheduled for release in September.
“I won’t give away how it ends,” continued Mr James, “but, suffice to say, if James Bond can’t finally secure the release of No Time to Die, then I don’t know who can.”
The new Bond film will be called No Time for No Time to Die will enter production later this year for a 2022 release. Hopefully.
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Gladiator sequel to begin with Maximus in shower as Lucilla realises his death was a dream
In order to facilitate the return of Russell Crowe’s Maximus, the newly announced sequel to Gladiator will reveal that the events of the first film were just a dream.
The film will open with Connie Nelson’s Lucilla waking to the sound of water.
She gets out of bed and wanders through her Roman villa to the bathroom where she finds someone in the shower.
She flings the shower door open to reveal Maximus washing his hair.
He asks her what the matter is and she replies that she’s had the most terrible dream.
“We needed Russ back, obviously, we can’t do Gladiator without Russ,” said director Ridley Scott.
“But you know, he died at the end of the first picture.
“The only credible way to deal with that is to make the entirety of first film Lucilla’s dream.
“Pretty clever, right? Well, you don’t get an Oscar without being a world class storyteller.”
The twice-winner of Beard Monthly’s Man of the Year did reveal that other options were considered.
“Oh sure, we considered a black magic resurrection, an Invasion of the body-snatchers pod person, filming a scene with Maximus in the crowd going ‘hey, that guy looks like me,’ or having him just get back up going ‘it wasn’t that bad,’ but the dream thing made the most sense.”
Gladiator II: Electric Boogaloo will be released in 2020.
Unless this is all a dream.
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