Medical experts remind action heroes that ALL wounds are flesh wounds

Medical experts have issued a joint statement reminding action heroes, rogue cops, and special forces operatives that all wounds are, in fact, flesh wounds and so the phrase ‘it’s just a flesh wound’ has no real, helpful meaning.

“I accompanied Jack Renegade – a hard-drinking, twice-divorced, special-forces kung fu operative – on a mission to infiltrate this compound to help defeat drugs or something,” explained field doctor Stewart James.

“We came under heavy fire and Jack was hit so I went to examine the wound and he said – ‘it’s just a flesh wound’ – I took that to mean that Jack, with all his medical training in kung fu, thought that it wasn’t serious. But just say that then. Say ‘it’s not serious.’

“Saying that it’s a ‘flesh wound’ is just telling me that your flesh is wounded. I know that. That’s why I’m coming to examine you.”

Kelly Grace is a Professor of Action Hero Medicine at Imperial Collage London.

“Flesh covers the whole of the human body,” she said.

“It is literally impossible to be wounded anywhere else other than in your flesh. So, saying something is a ‘flesh wound’ is like saying something is a ‘water-drowning’ or a ‘headache in your head.’

“We don’t go around saying – ‘gun shoot the man with the mullet’ – because, obviously you’re going to shoot him with your gun. ‘Gun’ is redundant, annoying and a bit patronising. So, stop saying ‘flesh-wound’ to doctors.”

Jack Renegade has welcomed the advice.

“Whatever they say. Hell, I’ll do whatever I can to help our medical guys,” he said.

“I mean, only the other day a doc patched me up after I got hit. Luckily it was only a flesh wound, but I’m still grateful and will do whatever I can to help.”

Filming begins on Avatar sequel after James Cameron completes construction of planet

The sequel to Avatar has finally begun filming some eight years after the release of the original.

The delay to the sequel was to give visionary director James Cameron the opportunity to construct a life-size planet on which the action could take place.

‘Pandora’ has been constructed in between the orbits of Mars and Jupiter and the actors and production crew left earth last Summer in order to prepare everything for a filming schedule that will stretch to mid-2018.

“CGI is for pussies,” said the famously combative director

“The only way to get this picture to convincingly look as if it’s filmed on an alien planet is to film it on an alien planet, and if the bean-counters in their suits don’t like it, then they’ll have to answer to me, damn it.”

The construction of the planet included all sets, a small village to cater for the cast and crew and several exciting rides that will be used after production has concluded and the planet is turned into the galaxy’s best theme park.

It is understood that the third sequel in the trilogy will begin filming as soon as James Cameron is able to generate life in laboratory conditions and create a race of live Na’vi to perform in the film