Idiot child going back for teddy bear remains biggest threat in apocalypse scenarios, finds study

In the event of some form of cataclysmic world-ending disaster, the biggest hindrance to survival remains an idiot child going back for a favourite teddy bear, a new study has revealed.

The study was commissioned by Roland Goldblum, Professor of the End of the World at Oxford University.

“We examined thirty three apocalypses from invasion of planet by super-being determined to eradicate half the population to giant radioactive lizard attacking from the sea.

“In 70% of cases, the families who survived didn’t have an idiot child run back to their bedroom to retrieve a favourite teddy bear.”

The results follow the pattern of a similar study in the nineties, although the scenarios then included a meteor crash and alien shape shifters attacking the planet with bees.

Dr Goldblum advised families to take precautions.

“It’s reasonably simple to tell if an apocalypse is imminent,” he said.

“Cracks appearing in California, giant unexplained objects appearing on radars, the eradication of Paris.

“If you notice any of these events, carefully explain to any idiot children in the family that your survival is more important than a teddy bear and if they really have to take it with them, they remember it before making a panicked escape from the home as the city crumbles around you.”

However, there was some good news in the study.

 “Pets will always be fine,” confirmed the Professor.

“Even if it initially looks like they haven’t made it, they’ll turn up a bit later on to give everyone a bit of a lift after a particularly difficult moment.”