‘He pulls a football out of his nose’ – Weekend Film Guide 11th December

It’s the weekend, time for the proletariat to seize the means of production and achieve socialist utopia! Or, if that seems like far too much hard work, why not watch these films instead.

Friday

Love Actually ITV2 21.00

PM gets off with the staff. Rick Grimes stalks her off Pirates of the Caribbean. Everything sorts it out at the end because Christmas.

Jesse Stone: Sea Change 5USA 22.10

This is a shocking day for films. There is nothing on. Seriously, you might have to do something drastic like socialising with friends and family. It’s that bad.

So, Jesse Stone films are on all the time. I have no idea what they’re about and I have no inclination to Google them.

All I know is they star Tom Selleck and he appears to have not only a moustache, but a beard as well. It’s wrong and I don’t like it.

Saturday

Scrooge BBC2 12.45

Buckle up, because there’s going to be a version of Christmas Carol on somewhere every 20 minutes for the next three weeks. Ho ho ho.

Fast & Furious ITV 22.10

I know it’s getting a bit confusing by now, so in case you haven’t been paying attention this is the one about cars and family.

Jerry Maguire Sky Showcase 23.30

Tom Cruise shouts at Cuba Gooding Jnr until he wins all the football.

Sunday

The Shape of Water Channel 4 22.55

Fluke creature from X-Files gets off with the cleaner. All a bit wet, frankly.

Total Recall ITV4 23.35

Arnold Schwarzenegger goes to Mars. Or has been to Mars. It’s pretty unclear. Worth it for the bit when he pulls a football out of his nose.

The Italian Job 5*21.00

Marky Mark stars as Michael Caine in remake of cockney nonsense that you’ll forget about in minutes.

“You were only supposed to blow him off.”