Representatives from the Golden Globes have revealed that Little Women director Greta Gerwig was excluded from the Best Director and Best Screenplay categories after it became apparent that she did not have a penis.
“Well, Little Women is a tremendous film. A really clever and funny update to a classic story, so naturally Greta Gerwig was included, initially, for both Best Director and Best Screenplay nominations,” explained Globes representative Stewart James.
“However, someone on the nomination committee then suddenly remembered that a friend of his wife had mentioned that Ms Gerwig didn’t have a penis.”
The Golden Globes nomination team swung into action.
“We immediately reached out to Ms Gerwig’s people for them to confirm her penis-owning status.”
Sadly, they received no reply.
“In such an instance, we can only assume that her silence on the matter indicates that she does not, in fact, have a penis and therefore she cannot possibly be eligible for such categories as Best Director and Best Screenplay.”
Mr James did offer a glimmer of hope for Gerwig, though.
“Naturally, if Ms Gerwig were to grow a penis between now and the ceremony, then we would be happy to reconsider her nominations and we look forward to hearing from her in this matter.”
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