Five intelligent films that the likes of you have probably never seen, you bovine cretins

Look at you, slumped on the sofa in your pants, eating corn-flakes from the box and wondering if it’s possible to fart and belch at the same time.

You’re a moron.

I, on the other hand, am a film blogger. I am very smart and have seen films that are in black and white or have subtitles. Sometimes both. It’s my responsibility to try and broaden your horizons from Smurfs: The Lost Village to truly intelligent films

Here are some of the very best.

Persona

Ingrid Bergman is one of the greatest directors of all time. He lives in Norway and makes intelligent films about life and death and strawberries.

Persona is his greatest film ever and is about two women who move to an island to change into each other. In many ways, it’s like Face/Off, but is far deeper and more intelligent and doesn’t have Nicolas Cage singing Hallelujah whilst feeling up a choirgirl.

Parasite

I discovered Parasite some months ago. It’s from South Korea, which I understand is somewhere near India. Pleasingly, they make films with subtitles there, which are exactly the sort of films I like.

Parasite is about a family who try and heist another family but are stopped by some goblins who live in the cellar.

It’s very good, and has lots of themes and subtext that you probably won’t understand.

Mulholland Drive

This is a film about two lesbians who have to find a magic box. It’s got lots of sex and nudity, but that’s not why I watch it. I watch it because it’s really deep and I like to think about very deep things.

In fact, I would probably still watch it even if it didn’t have the sex and nudity, but there isn’t a version without sex and nudity, so I can’t.

2001: A Space Odyssey

Stanley Kubrick is our greatest living director.  He made the brilliant Stephen King adaptation Maximum Overdrive, and won an Oscar for Spartacus with Russell Crowe.

2001: A Space Odyssey is his greatest film.  It’s about some monkeys who turn into men to go to space to live in a big mansion.

Its principle theme is how we will live in the future. In big mansions in space.

There Might Be Blood

The greatest film of the century. Daniel Day-Lewis stars as an oilman who invents milkshakes.

But it’s about so much more than that. It’s about men, and conflict and shouting.

It’s unlikely you’ll appreciate that on first viewing. I watched it three times before I really understood it properly, so you’ll probably need to watch it five or six times. I’ve now actually watched it twelve times. That’s not showing off, it’s just an example of how much I like really intelligent films.

Next Week: Seven movies during which I guessed the twist because I’m much cleverer than you.