It’s the weekend, the only small relief in our bleak, meaningless existence. So, let’s spend it watching mediocre movies on channels most people have never heard of.
Friday
Empire of the Sharks Horror Channel 16.00
Okay. Let’s end the film guide, because this is all you need. Just tape this – can you still tape things? You’ll figure it out, you seem bright – tape this and keep watching it over and over all weekend. It’s called Empire of the Sharks. What else do you need to know?
Okay, I’ve just checked. In the future, earth is underwater. One dude controls an army of lethal fish, and another one controls the sharks.
Seriously, the Oscars missed a trick here.
One Fine Day Sony Movies 16.50
Man and lady initially find each other annoying, then don’t.
I saw this at the cinema when it came out. I wish they’d mentioned plans for it to be on telly twice a week forever as I could have saved my money and gone to see Gene instead.
Watchmen 5Star 21.00
Grumpy superheroes are all grumpy and disaffected. It’s a deconstruction of the superhero mythos, apparently. Cool fights though.
Saturday
The Fugitive ITV4 21.00
Doctor disguises himself as doctor to prove he’s innocent.
What the hell is a hard target search anyway?
Fast and Furious 7 ITV 22.50
Grumpy men race cars and say ‘family’ until all the baddies go to prison.
The ending WILL make you cry, or you’re some sort of terrible robot.
Citizen Kane BBC2 14.30
Man goes sledging with disastrous consequences. Quite good, apparently.
Sunday
Where Eagles Dare ITV4 17.55
Disappointing lack of birds of prey in classic war film that sees confused Clint Eastwood battle to his way into Nazi fortress and then back out again for no clear reason.
Paddington Film4 17.20
The adventures of a mainline London train station.
Skyfall ITV 20.00
James Bond gets off with the sexy ladies and shoots the bad men. Whole thing turns into Home Alone at the end.
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