Brutally honest Oscar ballot: ‘Nothing here as good as Face/Off’

A male member of the Academy’s producer branch, in return for anonymity, has spoken candidly about his Oscar votes.

“I look down the list and the first thing that strikes me is that, once again, there’s nothing here that’s anywhere near as good as Face/Off,” he explains.

“I mean, come on, that whole one-shot deal with 1917 was pretty good but dammit, Face/Off had two guys actually swapping faces!

“So, it’s disappointing.”

He turned his attention to the Best Picture category.

“Parasite? Maybe when it’s remade in American. Marriage Story – no action. Little Women – they’re not so little.

“Screw it, I’ll just write Face/Off for best picture. They won’t count it. They never do. But come on, make a better picture than Face/Off and I’ll vote for it.”

Best Actor followed.

“You got to be careful with this, some of these guys will talk forever. So, no to Joaquin. Great guy, good actor, but he’ll just go on about rainforests and diversity and, come on, we need to get to the bar.

“I’ll go with this Adam Driver kid. He seems shy.”

Best Actress was an easier decision.

“Scarlet – great rack.”

Supporting Actor proved difficult due to the surprising admission that he hadn’t seen all of the films.

“Come on man, The Irishman? Give me a break, its four hours long. You could watch Face/Off twice.

“Hey, come to think of that’s a hell of an idea. I’m going to watch Face/Off twice.”

Slipping the voting slip into an envelope after only having filled in three categories, the producer seemed relaxed about not voting.

“No, screw it. I’ll just wait for the results and tell everyone that’s who I voted for.

“It’s what most of us do every year.”