Benedict Cumberbatch forced to rethink Cannes red carpet look after nudity ban

Benedict Cumberbatch, who stars in Wes Anderson’s The Phoenician Scheme, has admitted he was forced to rethink his Cannes wardrobe after the festival introduced its controversial red carpet nudity ban.

“Yes. That was disappointing,” said the Sherlock star.

“Obviously, it’s the film that is the most important thing here, but I had a tremendous outfit that would have shown off my cock and balls to spectacular effect.”

Benedict had planned to wear a suit from the up-and-coming Chelmsford designer Farley Ballbag.

Ballbag is known for his controversial rethink of the modern men’s suit that uses see-through material in the groin area to show off the man’s genitals and anus.

“It really was a quite beautiful and very striking suit and one which would have shown off my plums to magnificent effect. I’d even had them shaved by Reginald Binlid.”

Binlid, of course, is the celebrity ball-barber who caters to the backs, sacks and, sometimes, cracks of the most fashionable gentlemen in London.

Disappointed as Cumberbatch has found himself at not being able to parade down the red carpet with his shorn parts on display, he has pledged to make up for it.

“Yes, as I walk down the red carpet, I’m going to hand out photos of little Benny and the nutsack because what would Cannes even be if film fans weren’t able to get a good look at a film star’s bits and pieces.”