It’s the weekend! Time to finally get started on building that giant statue of your own face in the front garden. But, if that seems like too much hard work, why not watch these great films instead.
Friday
The Rock 5* 21.00
Nic Cage and Sean Connery battle Ed Harris who has occupied Dwayne Johnson and is threatening to blow him up.
Mission: Impossible Rogue Nation Film4 22.50
Fact: Since the UK has left the EU, by law, this has to be referred to as Mission: Impossible Red Nation.
What’s an impossible rogue nation anyway?
Gnomeo and Juliet Nick 18.00
From the people who brought you Sherlock Gnomes. If you’re reading, how about Antigon-gnome for your next one? You’re welcome.
Shout out to anyone in an amateur dramatic production of Antigone. There’ll be someone.
Saturday
Mary Poppins BBC1 16.40
Witch wreaks reign of terror on Victorian London.
The Greatest Showman Film4 18.55
Wolverine invents circuses by singing a load of absolutely banging pop songs.
50 Shades of Grey ITVBe 21.00
Porn for people who pretend they don’t watch porn.
Sunday
Face/Off ITV 23.00
Nic Cage and John Travolta swap faces using technology. Everyone shoots everyone else and everything sorts itself out.
Octopussy ITV4 14.20
James Bong saves the world by getting off with some sexy, sexy ladies and dressing up as a clown.
The Christmas Shepherd GREAT! Movies 10.00
Magical shepherd saves Christmas by getting his sheep to pull Santa’s sleigh. Something like that. God, we’ve got six weeks of this.
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