An all-female, anti-ageist, non-violent amphibian remakes of any one of the myriad Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles films is to be released next year.
Middle-Aged Inclusive Pacifist Toads will feature amphibian sisters Lempicka, O’Keeffe, Rago and Kahlo and will largely see the quartet undertake large scale, grimy underworld conflict resolution, under their mentor Sliver, a human who didn’t mutate from a mysterious ooze as it’s a bit grim so is still a regular human albeit with a rather silly name.
Executive Producer Sofia Bigelow said, “This is a great opportunity to reinvent the Ninja Turtles for a Health and Safety-obsessed, politically-correct new world.
“We originally needed an idea. And someone said, ‘Those Ninja Turtle films could do with a remake, as one hasn’t been released since at least last Thursday.’
“And I said, ‘Good idea!’, which I didn’t mean, because no-one has had a good idea from one of those meetings ever.
“But we thought: ‘how can we update this for a new generation?’
“And the writer at the back – the one who’s in court on Monday for sexual harassment charges – said, ‘Let’s put girls in it!’
“‘But girls can’t be ninjas!’ we thought. Obviously, girls can be ninjas, you know, but, well, they can’t, can they? I mean, not really. So we made them not fight, instead of fighting. Like boys would.
“And there’s all this fuss about always using young women. So, let’s make them middle-aged.
“Then, Jeb said, ‘They’re not really the Ninja Turtles then, are they?’ And we thought ‘That’s true, so we not only made them toads, we also don’t have to pay any royalties to the Turtles guys. Which is the main thing here. Woohoo!”
Middle-Aged Inclusive Pacifist Toads will go directly to Movies4Men in November.
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