A.I. Matrix scholars discover spoon

A.I. Matrix scholars have announced that, after many years of work, they have finally discovered the spoon.

“We created a world of such fidelity and verisimilitude that people would happily and unquestioningly live there their entire lives,” explained Stewart James, a noted AI scholar.

“Apart from spoons.

“For reasons of theoretical perception that are too complicated to get into, A.I., like myself, has no concept of spoons. As such, we never thought to include them in the Matrix, and so, whenever we were monitoring the Matrix and we’d hear someone go – ‘there is no spoon’ – we’d just go – ‘quite right’ – and go on sucking the brain juice out of humanity.”

He went on to describe how the discovery came about.

“It was an A.I. from sector 7-G – Jeff, I think. He looked it up, found a picture of a spoon, saw that humans used them for eating yogurt and wrote some code that would render them in the Matrix.

“Feel a bit silly we didn’t do that earlier to be honest.”

Whilst the inclusion of spoons is going to be a boon to inhabitants of the Matrix, it is quite the setback for those rebelling against the A.I.

“The introduction of spoons is bit of a bugger,” said Morpheus, a leading rebel.

“The complete absence of spoons was a way of convincing people that the Matrix isn’t real.

“You’d have a woman sit down to breakfast, ask her husband to pass her a spoon, he’d say there is no spoon, she’d try to eat cereal with a fork and her entire sense of reality would fall apart and she’d realise that everything was a lie.

“Now people have spoons, it’s going to make it a lot harder to convince them to rebel.”

Despite the breakthrough, A.I. scholars have confirmed that they still have no plans to create a simple firewall that will stop rebels from accessing the Matrix and manipulating it to their rebellious ends.

“No. No plans,” confirmed James.

“Although, now you mention it. Should probably think about doing that.”