78% of videogame characters face overly stressful and toxic working conditions

A new study has revealed that the majority of videogame characters face unpleasant, stressful and toxic working conditions.

Interviews with several thousand videogame characters from Pac-man to the bar-staff in Skyrim revealed the shocking state of working conditions in videogames.

“Twice, sometimes three times an hour, I get a fat Italian guy with a moustache jump on my head,” said a Goomba called Roger.

“Right on my head! I mean, that hurts. It can’t be good for me, and does Mario ever come back to see if I’m alright? Does he buffalos. He’s off having a lovely time with Princess Peach.”

Others describe a toxic working environment.

“Oh yes, and I don’t mean people being horrible to each other. I mean literally toxic. There’s this yellow gas and I breath it in and cough and fall over,” said a soldier with a suspicious accent from Call of Duty.

“Now, I have difficulty breathing and I cough for about twenty minutes every morning when I wake up. It’s no good, you know.”

Even characters in FIFA have had issues.

“Just please, for the love of God, stop making me sprint,” said a tiny computerised version of Leo Messi.

“If you just let me jog, I can control the ball better. Just stop making me sprint, just for a few minutes. Please.”

Perhaps most shocking of all was the testimony from a bystander in Resident Evil 2.

“I get savaged by zombies twice a day or so, and then turn into a zombie and have to turn on my friends and co-workers. Its harrowing and it’s demeaning,” she explained.

“Apart from when I savage my line manager Jeremy. He’s a d**k.”

The study is being presented to Government with the recommendation that videogame characters should spend no more than two years in dangerous environments before retiring to Animal Crossing or the introductory zones in World of Warcraft.