It’s the weekend again! Time to pretend to have a cold so you don’t have to go round your brother-in-law’s house and listen to him witter on about the new conservatory he’s put in.
It’s not a new wing on Downton Abbey, mate. Get over yourself.
Here’s our guide to all the films you can watch instead.
Saturday
Drive Sony Movies 21.00
Man doesn’t say anything in a car whilst soundtracked by variety of Jean Michel-Jarre outtakes.
Les Miserables Sony Movies 03.05
Everyone is grumpy in revolutionary France because they aren’t allowed to sing.
Space Jam ITV2 17.00
Bugs Bunny and Michael Jordan team up to invent something for astronauts to put on their toast.
Sunday
Beauty and the Beast ITV2 15.50
Disney classic about a girl who is considered weird because she reads books and not because she gets off with an eight-foot high talking dog.
Limitless 5* 21.00
Bradley Cooper takes pill to make him less annoying. Doesn’t work.
Atlantic Rim Horror Channel 02.35
Oceanic gay porn.
New at the cinema this week
Midway
Story of Pearl Harbor that, disrespectfully, doesn’t include any mention of tragic love triangle that the attack is best known for.
DVD of the week
As Good As It Gets
Jack Nicholson is horrible to a waitress and love, naturally, blossoms. From a time when mediocre romantic comedies hoovered up Oscars.
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