Weekend Film Guide 9th March

It’s the weekend. You could pop to the pub, but it’ll just be full of dreary men saying that the beer is quite ‘hoppy’ like that’s a thing.

Best plan is to lie on the sofa eating mini Kievs and watching one of these top films

Friday

Reservoir Dogs 23.30 ITV4

Wacky but well dressed men chat about Madonna with disastrous consequences.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier 23.05 BBC1

Chris Evans (not that one) duffs some men up then a massive special effect falls out of the sky at the end. Can anyone tell the difference between any of these films anymore?

Carry on Teacher 16.30 Film4

Searing indictment of post-war education in Britain. Directly responsible for sweeping school reform prohibiting the use of double entendre as a learning technique.

Saturday

Fail Safe 14.45 5Spike

US President has to avoid nuclear war by talking to Russian counterpart. Unless it’s 5 minutes long and ends in the Armageddon then it’s completely unbelievable nowadays.

45 Years 21.00 Channel 4

Far too long.

Crocodile Dundee 19.05 Film4

Paul Hogan romantic comedy. Not as funny as his Fosters adverts. Won a Golden Globe because the Golden Globes are mental.

Sunday

Falling Down 23.45 ITV4

Man has rubbish burger and goes on a murderous rampage. Set in America, so could be a documentary for all I know.

We bought a Zoo 15.40 Film4

We bought a zoo, and then we made a film about buying a zoo. Don’t give them the attention, it’ll only encourage them

Parker 23.45 5*

Thunderbirds spin-off about the chauffeur starring Jason Statham. Presumably. I can’t be arsed to check if I’m honest.