It’s the weekend! Time to visit that abandoned old cabin in the woods for a weekend of sex, partying and definitely no terrifying demonic activity at all.
But if that sounds like a hassle, just stay at home and watch these great films instead.
Saturday
The Pirates of the Caribbean: A subtitle no one cares about ITV2 19.15
Johnny Depp stars as a pirate who makes up for his ineptitude by being irritating. Also features Orlando Bloom who plays an elf or something and Keira Knightley who, presumably, has run away to be a pirate to escape the stalker from Love Actually.
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves 5* 20.00
Robin of Loxley decides to become an outlaw after the Sherriff of Nottingham puts a tax on impressive mullets and blow-dryers.
Total Recall Sony Movie Channel 18.40
Doug Quaid has his memory erased to forget that this film was on TV literally a week ago.
Sunday
Seven Years in Tibet Sony Movie Channel 13.45
…still wouldn’t feel quite as long as this film does.
Vertical Limit Sony Movie Channel 18.45
Chris O’Donnell tries to outwit a mountain. Fails.
Black Hawk Down 5Spike 21.00
Macho men shout at foreigners for about four hours. There’s some business with a helicopter and some guns then it all stops and everything feels better.
New at the cinema this weekend
It: Chapter 2
Old school friends get together to beat up a clown.
DVD of the week
Goodfellas
Everyone shoots everyone else whilst wearing nice suits. Fact: every word in the script is a swear.
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