It’s the weekend. You could clean out the shed or have a go at the garden but, frankly, life’s too short for that sort of nonsense, so why not watch these great films instead.
Saturday
Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi ITV2 7.20
Jedi returns. Duh.
Small band of rebels brutally murder thousands of stormtroopers who were just doing their job then have a nice party with Teddy bears who think gay robot is god.
Titanic Film4 15.05
Inconsiderate couple do sex in strangers car and boat sinks. Coincidence? Spend fifteen hours watching this to find out.
Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights ITV2 15.30
Someone puts Baby in a corner in Cuba.
Who has a name like Baby, anyway? Ridiculous.
Sunday
2012 Sony Movie Channel 17.50
West Coast of America falls off and everyone has to go and live on a boat with Oliver Platt.
Face Off 5* 21.00
Nic Cage and John Travolta swap faces using technology. Everyone shoots everyone else and everything sorts itself out.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory ITV2 16.05
Boggly-eyed sociopath tricks loads of kids into visiting his lair then tortures them.
New at the cinema
Cold War
Black and white polish film with loads of jazz in. Tell everyone you’re going to see this and then get pissed on prosecco and go see Mamma Mia 2 like everyone else.
A Stork’s Journey
Stork goes somewhere. Cartoon that looks purgatorial.
New on DVD (if you buy it from a second hand shop)
Jurassic Park
Steven Spielberg brings actual dinosaurs back to life for greatest film ever.
‘This is Unix, I know Unix.’
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