It’s the weekend! Time to don that mask and cowl and fight crime under the cover if darkness. But, if that seems like too much hard work, why not watch these great films instead?
Saturday
The Martian Film4 21.00
Matt Damon goes to Mars, grows some potatoes, comes home.
The Lost World: Jurassic Park ITV2 18.25
Rich bastard plans to charge other rich bastards to hunt dinosaurs. Attractive Hollywood types want everyone to be nice to dinosaurs. Jeff Goldblum seems bemused by whole affair.
I’m with Jeff.
The Big Short BBC2 10.50
Everyone does hard sums to prove rich bastards are bastards.
Sunday
Star Wars: Episode V The Empire Strikes Back ITV 13.35
Luke gets shouted at by a goblin in a swamp until he gets brilliant at the Force. Han falls for most obvious trap in universe. C3P0 still unable to express true feelings for R2D2.
Twister ITV2 14.55
Weather porn with nonsense plot about Bill Paxton being a reformed wild and crazy meteorologist.
Miami Vice 5Spike 22.45
Colin Farrell and his mullet mope about in Cuba with hot girl before killing all the baddies.
Features a wacky remix of a Phil Collins, if memory serves, for which there is obviously no excuse.
New at the cinema this week
The Lion King
Second remake of The Lion King, the first being Kenneth Branagh’s Hamlet, which is totally the same story but with people not lions.
DVD of the week.
Face Off
Nic Cage and John Travolta swap faces using technology. Everyone shoots everyone else and everything sorts itself out.
Loved and agreed with every description