It’s the weekend and there’s no getting away with it, it’s still January – literally no one’s doing anything, so you may as well just lie on your sofa under a pile of duvets and watch these great films.
Saturday
Miracle on 34th Street E4 12.20
Clearly Roy Wood works at E4 (Think about it, take your time. It’s a good joke and it’s worth waiting for).
Men in Black Film4 19.05
Tommy Lee Jones is grumpy and Will Smith shouts ‘Aw hell no’ a lot. This passed for entertainment in the 90s.
Mega Piranha, Roboshark, Wolfcop II Various
You know that thing where people go ‘Yeah, it’s so bad it’s good?’ It’s not. It never is. It’s just bad, as these three films will testify. If you watch any of them in that post-hipster, ironic way then you’re part of the problem and you should stop.
Sunday
Edward Scissorhands E4 18.50
You can fill in your own bum-wiping joke here, can’t you? You don’t need me for this.
Heart of a Dog Film4 02.25
When Beryl Scroggins accidentally receives a dog heart in a transplant, she develops special dog powers such as the ability to chase sticks and hump people’s legs.
I mean, I haven’t checked, but I assume it’s something like that.
Football Factory 5Spike 23.15
Documentary about a factory where they make footballs, presumably.
The Heat E4 21.00
Sandra Bullock and Melissa Mccarthy in greatest film ever. If you don’t like this, you’re no friend of mine.
New at the cinema this weekend
Beautiful Boy
Handsome man does heroin. Dad tries to help. Everyone has a big cry.
Stay at home and watch The Heat instead.
DVD of the week
Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo
Kids try to save community centre with the power of breakdancing. Features man literally dancing on ceiling, a dance-off between rival gangs and a man who only wears crop tops.
Apparently, this is an accurate portrayal of South-Central LA in the eighties.
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