Hey you. It’s the weekend. A perfect time to completely ignore that massive list of stuff you’ve got to do and sit about in your pants eating biscuits and watching films.
Here’s some movies you may end up watching because you can’t be arsed finding the remote.
Saturday
Goodfellas ITV4 22.10
Everyone gets cross and shoots each other because Joe Pesci isn’t funny.
Lethal Weapon 5Spike 21.00
Heartwarming Christmas classic in which kind family takes in Mel Gibson and don’t make fun of his mullet.
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace ITV 17.50
Trade disputes in space!
Warning: features midichlorians, Ewen Mcgregor with bizarre rat-tail hairdo and small child giving the most unconvincing reading of the word ‘yippee’ in history.
Sunday
Sense and Sensibility Sony Movie Channel 15.25
Half of 90s equity wear bonnets and muck about in the countryside in Mum classic.
Robin Hood ITV2 20.00
Russell Crowe breaks world record for number of different accents performed in the space of two hours.
San Andreas Channel 5 20.00
The Rock beats up an earthquake.
New at the cinema
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald
Magic larks in the past. Features Johnny Depp as a baddie, so expect subtlety and restraint.
Coldplay: A head full of Dreams
A Coldplay film. Proof that God has forsaken us all.
DVD of the week
Kiss the Girls
One of the sixty bazillion serial killer movies released in the wake of Silence of the Lambs. Plot is probably that an unconventional cop has to track down a hyper-intelligent serial killer who turns out to be his partner. It’ll be something like that, they all were.
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