It’s the weekend! And that can only mean one thing – Existential terror! No wait, not existential terror. I mean – Great Films!
Saturday
Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring ITV2 22.05
Evil hobbits run off with old man’s ring to throw in some fire.
Ruddy vandals.
Die Hard Channel 4 23.15
The last good film Bruce Willis did. Features Paul Gleason, who is your favourite actor in everything you’ve seen him in. Not joking, look him up.
Ransom ITV4 21.00
Mel Gibson shouts ‘give me back my son’ at kidnappers until they give him back his son.
Probably best to not use this technique in real life.
Sunday
Enemy of the State Sony Movie Channel 21.00
Will Smith buys lady’s underwear with disastrous consequences.
Actually a Christmas film in disguise.
True Lies Film4 23.15
Arnold Schwarzenegger tries to make his horse jump off a skyscraper then sexually humiliates his wife in wacky knock-about spy fun.
Features Tom Arnold, because even Jim Belushi was having none of that.
Unknown ITV4 23.20
Don’t know.
New at the cinema
First Man
Neil Armstrong tries to land on moon. Spoiler – he is successful.
From director and star of La La Land, so if it doesn’t feature a rousing version of Fly me to the Moon, I want my money back.
DVD of the week.
Jaws
Bitey git attacks beach. Robert Shaw sings Sea shanties until it blows up.
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