WarGames computer would prefer a nice game of Horace Goes Skiing

Following a firmware upgrade, the WarGames computer -WOPR – has announced that it would prefer a nice game of Horace Goes Skiing to starting a nuclear war.

“Well, it’s a bit weird but, you know, it’s still better than just going – ‘Global Thermonuclear War? Great, let’s do that,’” explained Dr McKittrick.

The new behaviour was discovered during the testing phase of the rollout of the new firmware.

“We took it offline and had a live incursion test. David Lightman did it, as he’s the only one who can really read out the responses the computer makes with the appropriate feeling. He’s great, he really makes it feel like the computer is talking to you.

“Anyway, we had the test, David’s reading out the lines and WOPR just goes – ‘actually, I’d prefer a nice game of Horace Goes Skiing, and throws up this image of a blob on skis.

“The blob starts moving between trees and WOPR is saying – ‘Oh man, this is so wicked. I’m going to get a mega-high score this time. Crucial’ – it was really getting into it. Like I say, weird, but better than going straight to war.”

Dr McKittrick confirmed that investigations are ongoing.

“We’d like to understand where it’s got this fixation with Horace Goes Skiing from. Like I say, it seems harmless but, to be honest, we’d prefer it if the computer in charge of our defence response didn’t spend it’s time playing videogames and instead just focused on defence response.”

Although Dr McKittrick is playing down the latest developments, there are those in NORAD who are much more concerned.

“We got to stop this pile of nuts and bolts,” said Colonel Jack Beringer.

“Horace Goes Skiing is one thing, but if it finds out about Manic Miner or Ant Attack, it’s never going to be able to focus on its damn job.”

New film about a tough man hitting other tough men probably coming soon

Fans of tough men hitting other tough men will be excited to learn that a new film about a tough man hitting other tough men is almost certainly in production right now.

The film, starring a man who could conceivably pass as a small truck, will most likely take place in a dusty town in the south of the US and will and feature a 90-minute guitar solo for the soundtrack.

The plot will likely consist of an unpleasant man with lots of unpleasant henchmen being unpleasant and a tough man hitting them all until they stop.

Whilst the lead character’s name is currently unknown, it almost certainly won’t be Walter or Jeremy.

“Hell yeah, that sounds kickass and awesome,” said practising monk and hitting men fan Dwayne Diesel

“Goddamn it if I want to be watching some dumb movie about people feeling things and talking, I want to see tough men hitting other tough men until they fall over.”

It is expected the film title will be called either Rampage, Berserk, Carnage, or Hitty Man.

If successful, it could spawn up to 13 sequels featuring the tough man hitting other, different tough men in a variety of different places.