Unused Star Wars creatures express relief at finding employment in new Cassian Andor series

Creatures from the Star Wars Star Wars universe have told of their relief at finding employment in the new Cassian Andor series.

“I came to earth around twenty- No, twenty-five years ago now. Twenty-five bleeding years!” said Jaster Cuagoa, a Quarren from the Outer Rim.

“I was told there was a major new trilogy happening and there was decent film work for all sorts of alien creatures from the Outer Rim and even wild space.

“Of course, little did I know that half the bleeding universe had decamped to Hollywood. I didn’t even get a look in.

“Apparently my eye-stalks were too elongated. Too elongated! I should have elongated his bleeding eye-stalks.”

Cuagoa managed to get some acting work.

“If you could call it that. I had a couple of scenes in Stargate, and was an alien bartender in Andromeda. Come on, though – Andromeda! – that’s no sort of life for a Quarren.

“After that, work dried up and I ended up in a restaurant. It was me that popularised salted caramel. Seriously. Very popular round the Outer Rim is salted caramel. Has been for hundreds of years. Bleeding surprised that no one on Earth had heard of it.

“Stuck it on the menu. Everyone went mad for it.”

However, Cuagoa, like many other Star Wars creatures who came here to star in the prequel trilogy, will now be appearing in a Star Wars property.

“Yeah – ‘unused Star Wars creatures to appear in new Cassian Andor series’ – is how they announced it. ‘Unused creatures!’ Bleeding nice, that is, isn’t it? We’re actors, mate.”

“Ah well, no point being bitter. After twenty years banging out salted caramel ganache, it’ll be nice to do a bit of acting, and to catch up with some Outer Rim folks. Hope Arvis Glasvyrn is there, she’s always a right bleeding laugh.”

Despite Cuagoa and many of his compatriots finally being given work in the new Cassian Andor series, other Star Wars creatures have been told not to head to earth as there’s not enough roles for everyone and they could end up having to work on Lost in Space or a Bright sequel.