RFK announces new health policies after having watched 28 Days Later

Comedy Health Secretary Robert F Kennedy Jr has announced a raft of new policies after watching the 2002 horror classic 28 Days Later.

“It is my mission to protect Americans from a potential zombie virus,” he explained, completely not madly.

“I have seen the horror a zombie virus can wreak on society. In 28 Days Later, the whole of Britain collapses after people catch a zombie virus. Possibly from vaccines. It’s horrifying. Everyone just runs about trying to eat other people. It is imperative we don’t let this happen in America.”

Mr Kennedy will institute the following policies immediately.

• Urgent research into known and unknown zombie viruses.
• A ban on people biting other people.
• An immediate ban on any drugs with scary names that sound like they could be a bit zombie-y, like Hydroxyurea or Omeprazole.

“On my watch, American society will not collapse into zombie anarchy. No one will ever have to wake up and wander through an eerily empty city before being attacked by sub-human maniacs. That is not an America I want to live in.”

The new policies come only 2 weeks after the totally normal Health Secretary implemented a number of policies to prevent trees from killing humans after having watched the 2008 Mark Wahlberg film The Happening.