Review – Fifty Shades Freed

50 shades

So, yeah, there’s this man and lady and they both totally have sex with each other. Then someone kidnaps someone else, which is, you know, the plot, then the man and lady do sex again.

Yeah, so, it’s alright, but if you really want to see, like, people totally having sex, then why not use the Internet?

I mean, I don’t know if you know or not, but there is, like, loads and loads of sex on the internet, and you don’t have to sit through a load of car adverts before you watch it.

If you don’t have the Internet then you could totally go old school and pop down to the corner shop for a magazine, you’ll have to the wait for the young girl to finish her shift though, because that’s totally embarrassing.

In fact, you can totally have the Fifty Shades Freed experience without doing the cinema. So, here’s how you do it

  1. Look out of the window at the cars going by and wonder if you want to buy one.
  2. Watch some Internet sex or flick through the magazine you got from the corner shop.
  3. Watch Mel Gibson 1996 kidnap classic Ransom for, you know, the plot.
  4. Watch a bit more internet sex.

That pretty much covers the whole experience. You can have a bag of quavers if you like and then pretend you’re in the cinema with a bag of quavers.

Screen Idle star rating ** – I really fancy some quavers now.

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