As the Oscar nominations were announced, dismay turned to anger as it became apparent that sexy-teens-summoning-ghost-shark classic Ouija Shark had received no nominations in any category.
Ouija Shark had been considered a favourite in Best Film, Best Director and Best Massive Ghost Shark categories by the sort of film experts who enjoy beer on their corn flakes for breakfast.
“Well, yes, Irishman is a beautiful exploration of guilt and betrayal, but Ouija Shark has got a big ghost shark in it in it,” said Screen Idle ‘honcho’ Neil Tollfree as he combed crisps out of his hair.
“It seems that once again, the Oscars have taken the safe route by nominating a Korean satire and a Hitler comedy.
“Not including Ouija Shark just shows how out of touch the Academy is with the six or seven people who enjoy big ghost sharks in films.”
Tollfree believes that the most egregious omission was in the effects categories.
“You genuinely believe you are in the presence of a giant ghost shark that has been conjured up from the dead. No film has ever done that before -Vertigo, Citizen Kane, Porkys – all masterpieces for sure, but have any of them pulled off a convincing big ghost shark? They didn’t even try.”
Tollfree has no intention of letting the matter lie, however.
“No, I’ll probably write a mildly amusing couple of hundred words about it that will be read by up to thirty or so people.”
“That’ll show them.”
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