Ah, New Year’s Eve, that magical evening when everyone has to queue for the toilets in the pub, forgets the words to Old Lang Syne and then wakes up to find out that it’s January.
So why not avoid all that nonsense and just stay home and watch TV. Here’s the Screen Idle guide to what’s on.
Films
Casino Royale – 9.50 ITV
The rubbish Casino Royale.
The Croods – 10.55 BBC1
One of the million different cheap computer cartoons that get churned out every year, might keep your kids quiet if they’re thick.
Three Men and a Little Lady – 12.55 Channel 5
Back in 1989, no one thought that anyone could make a worse film than Three Men and a Baby. Apparently they were wrong.
Groundhog Day – 2.55 Channel 5
Nightmarish tale of what it would be like if every day was January forever.
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time – 5.15 BBC2
Based on a computer game, so bound to be brilliant.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 – 7.50 ITV
Young wizards fiddle about with their wands until they go off at the end.
TV
Jools’ Annual Hootenanny – 11.20 BBC2
Headlined by Ed Sheeran. Obviously. Because Ed Sheeran has to be on everything. I reckon they’ve cloned him so he can appear on every single TV show at once. He’ll be performing Shape Of You on Question Time next week and then Perfect on a repeat of World At War.
Interestingly, they got the timings wrong on the Jools’ Annual Hootenanny in 2012 and consequently, 2013 was ten minutes shorter than usual.
Big Fat Quiz of the Year – 11.00 Channel 4
Smug men get questions wrong with hilarious consequences
The Real Full Monty – 10.15 ITV (Inevitably)
Mid to low rent celebrities do a strip tease at the London Palladium because we’re all being punished for something we did in previous lives. Expect much talk of journeys and unconvincing claims of making ‘some of the best friends I’ve ever had.’
Alternatively, just go to bed early and go to the pub next week when it’s far quieter.
Happy New Year from everyone at Screen Idle.
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