Man’s sweet Call Of Duty skills sure to be an advantage after society’s collapse

An Essex man is confident that his sweet Call Of Duty skills will be a huge advantage when it comes to the inevitable catastrophic collapse of mankind.

Lionel Stewart, an unemployed helmet-buffer from Chelmsford, has been practicing his skills daily since Call Of Duty 4: Modern Warfare was released in 2007.

“Yeah, I’m the s**t at Call Of Duty,” he claimed, as he clutched his limited-edition Black-Ops 3 branded controller.

“My Mum’s always going on about – ‘Lionel, you should stop wasting your time playing computer games and see if there are any helmet-buffing jobs going.’”

“But I’m like – ‘No way’ – I mean, what Mum doesn’t realise is that society is on the brink, and when it collapses, I’ve got my sweet skills from Call Of Duty to rely on.

“What’s Mum got? Knitting? It’s not going to get her very far after the apocalypse, is it?

“My ability to headshot a killstreak, though? People will see me as a god.

“And, hello, it’s ‘videogame.’ Saying computer game is so lame.”

Mr Stewart was keen to stress that he would not be exploiting his skills in the inevitable dystopian nightmare that the future holds.

“No, I see myself as a benevolent warrior king, a sort of cross between Mad Max and King Arthur, and all my subjects will all be like – ‘Wow, King Lionel, I’m so glad you spent all that time perfecting your sweet Call Of Duty skills and didn’t listen to your mum and go out and get a helmet-buffing job’ – and I’ll be like – ‘go in peace, simple subject.’”

Mr Stewart then returned to his bedroom to continue honing his sweet skills whilst his Mum ironed his underpants.