‘Predator in Middle-Earth’ – The Hunt for Gollum has badass mercs hunting down Sméagol

Further details have been revealed about the new Lord of the Rings film The Hunt for Gollum, including news that it will take a much more action-oriented approach than other films have done.

“Think the Predator, but in Middle-Earth,” said producer Stewart James.

“We need to find this creature, this Gollum. But he’s dangerous, he’s out there in the twisted forests, the scorched plains, the swollen marshes. You can’t just send anyone out to find him. You need a squad of badass mercs!”

The film will begin in a hobbit gym. Pumping electro-dance music is playing. Lots of hobbits with their tops off, their oiled, taut muscles straining as they lift weights. Gandalf stands in front of a particularly beefy hobbit. The hobbit looks up at Gandalf

“No,” he says.

“Yes,” replies Gandalf.

“Goddamn you,” says the hobbit, and they walk out together. The hobbit lights a cigar.

We then see a number of vignettes showing the squad being recruited. A hobbit chasing down another hobbit who’s skipped bail, another hobbit testing explosives in a field in Hobbiton, another reaching the end of a hobbit marine obstacle course, a sexy hobbit lady sneaking into a bedroom in a ballgown and stealing a necklace. At the end of each scene, Gandalf and the hobbit squad leader are waiting.

“This is the toughest group of hobbit mercenaries in the whole of Middle-Earth, and they’re going to need to be if they’re going to be successful in catching Gollum,” continued James.

“This is like nothing we’ve seen in the Lord of the Rings pictures. It’s violent, suspenseful, explosive, exciting. It’s based on a script Tolkien wrote just before he died intended for Clint Eastwood.”

So confident are producers of the film’s success that they’ve already started working on a sequel in which a squad of badass hobbit mercs have to chase Gollum through 1980s Los Angeles.