Fast and Furious Presents: Getting Some Milk from the Store

The sun rises over the Toretto Fast and Furious farm. Dom is on his porch, looking out over the fine crop of Dodge Chargers that will soon be ready to harvest.

Letty rushes out. “Dom!”

Dom turns, alarmed. “Family?”

“We’re out of milk,” she says. Both look with terrible concern at their son 2 Brian 2 Toretto, innocently playing with some gasoline.

A Lamborghini Fellatio pulls up outside. Roman and Tej get out and punch each other in the face. Ramsey emerges from Tej’s cell phone. Han returns once more from the afterlife.

“Heard someone needed some milk,” says Roman.

The crew head into Dom’s barn, which doubles as a state-of-the-art international communications facility, NATO control centre, and MIT.

“Right,” says Ramsey, standing in front of 47 computer monitors alive with data, maps, cool cars, spreadsheets depicting quarterly projections, Wordle, and porn, “I’ve hacked into the planet using skills, and milk? It’s in stores. So, I hacked into one of these stores nearby, and the milk is in the chiller aisle. So, I hacked into the chiller aisle and it’s in the middle, next to the cream. Ain’t gonna be easy, Dom”

The crew sits in stunned silence.

“How the hell we getting that milk?” says Tej.

Dom smiles seriously. “Family,” he says, and everyone gets in a car.

Shortly afterwards, sixty miles in the sky, Han is in a highly customised Ford Fanny, re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere. He radios the others. “In position. Let’s do this.”

In Australia, Tej and Roman drive into big hole. “Okay. We are go! Be there in T-minus 60.” They pick up speed as they head towards the earth’s core.

Han struggles to maintain control as he drives as fast as he can down through the air towards the Earth’s surface.

At the store, the manager is saying goodbye to an old lady. He hears something. He looks through the window and is stunned by what unfolds before him.

Roman and Tej’s Lamborghini emerges from a hole in the ground and launches into the air. Han’s Ford approaches from the sky. Both cars pull a carefully controlled mid-air skid that brings them alongside each other, allowing Roman and Han to briefly high-five. They land their cars and pull up next to Dom and Letty who are parked up in their Dodge Dodger across the street.

Dom swings open the door and gets out. Now his crew has got his back, he’s ready to get the milk.

An angry shout. “Dom!”

Dom turns, then dives for cover as a slew of bullets pepper the cars and ground around him.

It’s Ricky Bouillabaisse. Only six months ago, he’d killed Dom, Letty and the entire crew, and now he was back.

“Good to see you again, Dom.” He fires a tactical nuclear missile at the crew. Ramsey hacks into the missile and diverts it to Belgium, which doesn’t matter. “Guess we both need milk.”

“Family,” growls Dom.

Ricky pauses.

“Huh. Yeah, I guess you’re right. If we both need milk, it makes more sense to team up to get it. Okay, Dom. Let’s do this.” They kiss passionately.

Tej explains the plan. “Alright. The milk is in the chiller aisle. So, it’s cold, okay? We heat that shit up and the manager is going to have to move it. That’s when we make our move.”

“Seems straightforward enough,” says Han, “how do we heat up the chiller aisle?”

“Only way I can see is to move the Sun closer to the Earth’s surface.”

“Move the Sun closer to the Earth?” scoffs a sceptical Roman, “how the hell are we doing that?”

“The old-fashioned way,” smiles Tej, “we drive a car into the Moon, that sends it spinning across space, it hits the Sun and moves it a few hundred-thousand miles closer to Earth, and closer to that chiller aisle. Problem is-

“The problem is that driving into the moon is suicide. It always it. Damn.” Roman slumps to the floor.

The crew quietly absorb what they have today before Dom grunts “Family,” and gets into his Dodge.

Letty screams “No, Dom, 2 Brian needs you. We need you. We’re your-“

“Family,” smiles Dom, and he guns the engine.

Before he can pull away Ricky jumps into the passenger seat. “You think I’m letting you get all the credit for getting the milk Toretto? No way, let’s do this. Together.”

Dom accelerates towards the moon, at maximum speed, he hits the turbo boost, then he deploys a thermal reaction engine, then a warp drive. They are travelling at the speed of sound toward the moon.

Ricky turns to Dom. “Doesn’t need two of us to drive a car into the Moon,” he says, “and you’ve got family.” Before Dom can argue, Ricky opens the door and pushes him out. He takes Dom’s place in the driver seat.

From the Earth, the crew look up as an explosion on the moon sends it careering across space into the Sun. They all feel a little bit warmer.

“Damn,” says Roman, with quiet awe, “he did it.” Letty smiles sadly.

In the store, the manager and clerk are rushing to move the milk. “Hurry, with the sun a bit closer to the Earth, all this milk could spoil.”

There is a huge crash from behind the store. The manager and clerk tentatively open the door and see Dom, cratered in the lot. He’s silent, surely dead. Then his finger twitches, he takes a breath and lifts his head.

The store manager takes a step closer. “Dom?” he says, “Dominic Toretto?”

Dom stares. The store manager’s eyes fill with tears. “Dom, you don’t know me, but I’m your son. You had an affair with my mother while you were fighting with Syrian rebels in the uprising against Bashar al-Assad. Would you like some milk?”

Later, the crew are all back at the Fast and Furious farm. The store manager is pouring everyone milk.

Letty is on the porch, looking up at the newly Moonless sky. Dom embraces her from behind.

“I was thinking about Ricky,” she says, “he saved you. He got us our milk. You know, he may have killed us all last year but, I don’t know Dom…”

“Family?” says Dom. “Family,” agrees Letty.

They both smile and go and have a street race.