Bashman III, Righteous Injunction, Smell of Justice and more: The BIG New Year movie preview

Bashman III: The Bashening

Jason Statham returns as Rock Bashman – Navy Seal, martial arts expert, and twice world-champion of the Ultimate Bashing League.

Grizzled beyond recognition after events in the second film, Bashman now lives in a hole in the ground in the Tongass National Forest where he survives by foraging for worms.

However, when Bashman’s childhood sweetheart Liza Breasts is kidnapped by North Korean terrorists from Russia, he is forced to leave his life of solitude and worms to punch everyone in the face.

Righteous Injunction 

George Clooney stars as Theodore Z. Winterson – attorney and otter-farmer.

After a horrific otter catastrophe leaves his own otter farm irradiated and uninhabitable. Winterson retires for a quiet life in small-town Ohio where he volunteers at a local otter hospital run by pretty local otter doctor Connie Honey. 

However, his peace is shattered when corrupt otter magnate Reginald Bastard builds a giant, corporate low-cost/low-service otter-hospital on the outskirts of town.

When the local police department refuses to investigate a mysterious fire at Dr Honey’s otter hospital, Winterson must bring his all his legal skills to bear as he takes on the corrupt corporate otter-healthcare industry.

Vestments of the Harvest of My Uncle

A hit on the European arthouse circuit, this 24-hour long black-and-white real-time examination of a day in the life of a Belgian peasant could prove to be a surprise Oscar contender.

Starring European acting legend Cecile Crumport as the unnamed peasant, the entire film is an audacious close-up on her face as she goes about her daily chores on her broken-down farm in rural Belgium.

A 90-minute scene of Crumport sobbing over a ruined and mouldy onion crop is particularly affecting.

All Tomorrow’s Yesterdays

James Bond is back!

England’s greatest secret agent returns to save the world by having sex with some ladies and shooting people.

After Norway goes missing, Bond flies out to Sweden, where he has sex with a lady and shoots someone. He then flies down to Thailand where he has sex with a lady and shoots someone. Hot on the trail of the missing country, he flies into Argentina, where he has sex with a lady and shoots someone.

The film culminates in a vast compound under the sea where criminal mastermind Dr Hans Vonn Pantaloons has imprisoned Norway. After having sex with a lady, Bond shoots Dr Vonn Pantaloons and returns Norway to its rightful place.

A Bulgarian nose-flute duo provides the theme song.

Smell of Justice

“She’s a hard-boiled New York cop! He’s an idealistic fishmonger!”

Hard-nosed New York cop Rowena Balls gets her toughest undercover assignment yet at she goes undercover in a fishmongers to uncover a counterfeit halibut ring.

Initially contemptuous of the idealistic ways of fishmonger Lance Binlid, Rowena learns to appreciate his simple ways and the two slowly bond over gutted herring and fall deeply in love.

Meanwhile, Balls learns that the counterfeit halibut conspiracy goes all the way up to City Hall, but just as she is about to expose the corruption, Lance is kidnapped and Rowena is forced to stand alone against the halibut crooks to rescue the man who means everything to her.

Starring Dame Judi Dench as Balls, and featuring a revelatory performance from Justin Beiber as Lance Binlid, Smell of Justice could hit big at both the box office and on the awards circuit.

Also coming soon…

Oh No, It’s My Bottom 2 – sequel to 2021’s hilarious British comedy romp about someone’s bottom. The Closed Door – 2023’s period lesbian drama, featuring some well-regarded actresses looking longingly at each other somewhere picturesque. Hellageddon – A high-concept action-horror about an attempt to launch a nuclear weapon at hell. The Fancy Cow – Touching family comedy from Ireland about a farmer trying to win Dublin’s Fanciest Cow competition. Sexboobs – controversial Scandinavian drama about boobs and sex.