‘America gets invaded by weather’ – Weekend Film Guide 6th August

It’s a glorious Summer’s day, so best thing is to close the curtains really tight so that none of that pesky sunshine can fall on the telly screen and watch these great films

Friday

The Deer Hunter BBC2 23.05

Controversial sequel to Bambi.

Tomorrow Never Dies ITV4 21.00

James Bond saves world by getting off with her off of The Adventures of Lois and Clarke.

Secretly one of the good Bonds, but with a title so stupid and meaningless that it’s actively distracting for the first ten minutes.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off GREAT! Movies 18.50

Smug little git steals a car and ruins his headmaster’s career. Probably went on to become a hedge fund manager and is now locked up on fraud charges.

Saturday

Rampage ITV2 18.50

Government bastards infect wolf, gorilla and Komodo dragon with chemicals that turn them into giants who do a rampage. The Rock duffs everyone up. Second greatest film ever made.

The Day After Tomorrow Film4 18.40

America gets invaded by weather. Dennis Quaid plays a man who inexplicably walks across weathery America because his son is trapped in a library. None of it makes any sense and the wolf effects look like I did them.

Father of the Bride Channel 5 17.35

Creepy dad can’t bear the thought of daughter having sexual relationship with another man. Played for laughs rather than the stomach-churning horror it should be.

Sunday

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix ITV 18.25

I swear, Harry Potter films are on more often than Eastenders. This is the one where Harry saves the day by doing a spell.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Film4 21.00

Dwarves kidnap hobbit after staging home invasion and singing at him.

A Few Good Men GREAT! Movies 21.00

Time, for once and for all, to see exactly who can handle the truth. Tom? Jack? Demi? That guy who you remember from the thing? All of them? None of them? You? Me?