Ah, Christmas. Time for the TV premieres of all those films you downloaded from torrent sites months ago. Here’s our guide to the best films to have on in the background while pretending to be interested in your sister’s Zoom diatribe about her career injustices.
Christmas Eve
Home Alone Channel 4 17.30
Small boy tortures idiot burglars for your entertainment, you sickos.
It’s a Wonderful Life Channel 4 14.00
Incompetent banker scams townsfolk out of thousands of dollars with help of corrupt angel
Frozen BBC1 15.00
No, *you* let it go.
Elf Sky Showcase 15.05
Idiot elf escapes from Santa’s toy factory to annoy decent New Yorkers who are just trying to do their job. A convincing argument against Christmas.
Sleepless in Seattle W (I assume that’s a TV channel, the Radio Times is pretty unclear) 19.00
Awful child inexplicably avoids getting put in a home.
Christmas Day
Santa Claus: The Movie ITV 15.10
The sort of thing we had to watch on Christmas Day before they invented Netflix. Bloody awful.
White Christmas Channel 4 12.55
Bing Crosby saves his friends hotel by singing a song, the name of which escapes me.
Love Actually ITV2 22.40
PM gets off with the staff. Rick Grimes stalks her off Pirates of the Caribbean. Everything sorts it out at the end because Christmas.
Spartacus ITV4 15.10
No, *I’m* on ITV4 at 15.10
Father of the Bride 5* 12.40
Creepy dad can’t bear the thought of daughter having sexual relationship with another man. Played for laughs rather than the stomach-churning horror it should be.
Boxing Day
Paddington 2 BBC1 16.20
The continuing wacky adventures of a mainline London train station.
Some Like it Hot BBC2 14.20
Men dress up as ladies. Not as good as Nuns on the Run? Well, nobody’s perfect.
Crocodile Dundee Channel 4 16.35
Australian man visits New York with hilarious consequences. Features a bidet joke.
Don’t judge, it was the eighties. We only had four channels. We’d go to the cinema for anything.
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