Woman who brought Doritos, cereal and apples to cinema charged with crimes against humanity

A woman who brought Doritos, cereal and apples to the cinema has been arrested and will be charged the crimes against humanity.

The woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, brought the foodstuffs to a screening of The Souvenir.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Amanda Cooper, who was in the same screening.

“The film had started and she took out a bag of Doritos.

“There were a few looks, and one man tutted, but no one said anything. Well, I mean you don’t, do you?”

The situation intensified has the woman took several apples from her bag.

“I think everyone was worried now, people began to move away from her, I mean the thought of listening to someone eat an apple while you’re trying to watch middle-class people be awful to each other isn’t very nice, is it?”

However, things went from bad to worse as the woman brought out a box of Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes and a two-pint carton of milk.

“Pandemonium,” said Ms Cooper.

“Everyone just pushing to get out of the cinema, one little girl was just screaming, it was awful. Shocking.”

Taking care not to put themselves at risk, cinema staff contacted police who sent in an armed response unit and arrested the woman.

She was transferred to The Hague where she has been charged with crimes against humanity, and faces execution.

“Good,” said Ms Cooper.

“She deserves it. She’s a monster.”

A view that right-thinking people everywhere would agree with.