It’s the weekend, you’ve got exciting plans to visit friends and family. But let’s be honest, you’re going to blow all that off and lie on the sofa watching telly like normal people, so here’s our guide to the best films this weekend.
Saturday
Bridge Over the River Kwai 17.35 5Spike
Man builds bridge. Other man blows up bridge. Everyone goes home.
Features unnecessary amount of whistling.
Shutter Island 21.00 Sony Movies
Leonardo DiCapiro discovers that Bruce Willis is a ghost, Tyler Durden is a sledge and Darth Vader used to have a silly haircut.
Implausible rubbish by man who hates Thor.
Deadpool 21.00 Film4
Smug, sweary superhero is smug and sweary for a couple of hours.
Maybe Scorsese had a point.
Sunday
A Night to Remember 11.00 Film4
Early Titanic movie that doesn’t even feature Jack and Rose.
Disrespectful.
Trapped 00.50 Channel 4
Presumably a Captain Abrams biography (one for the kids).
Like a fool he’s in a cage, he can’t get out.
Seven Years in Tibet 18.40 Sony Movies
…wouldn’t feel as long as this film does
New at the cinema this week
Terminator: Dark Fate
784th sequel to a film that was quite good.
Apparently, the plot is that the Terminator has to travel back in time to prevent the sequel with Daenerys calling him pops. Or the one you’ve forgotten about where Christian Bale is grumpy. Or any of the other ones that weren’t Terminator 2
Godspeed you big Terminator.
DVD of the week
The Krays
Blokes from Spandau Ballet do proper cockney gangster and no mistake guvnor. Apples and pears. Boat race. They only ever hurt their own. All that.
Frankly, I wish they’d stuck to True. Lovely song, that.
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