It’s the weekend! Time to join a plucky band of rebels and strike a decisive blow against the brutal Empire. But if that sounds like too much hard work then why not watch these great films instead.
Saturday
Pulp Fiction Dave 22.00
John Travolta and Samuel L Jackson repress their true feelings for each other. Harvey Keitel debuts an early version of his iconic insurance advert character. Everyone swears too much and Quentin is all pleased with himself for putting Kool and the Gang in the soundtrack.
Casino Royale ITV2 21.00
Modern update of James Bond in which he looks grumpy while objectifying women.
Total Recall ITV 10.30
Douglas Quaid has memory manipulated so that he can forget ever seeing Colin Farrell remake of this.
Sunday
Deadpool Film4 21.00
Superhero does swearing. Features the less likeable Ryan.
Miracle on 34th Street E4 08.20
Heartwarming perennial Christmas classic. Just what the doctor ordered for an August Bank Holiday. Have film schedulers ever actually seen films?
Father of the Bride 5* 15.50
Creepy dad can’t bear the thought of daughter having sexual relationship with another man. Played for laughs rather than the stomach-churning horror it should be.
Bank Holiday Monday
Goldeneye ITV4 21.00
Modern update of James Bond in which he blow-dries his hair before objectifying women.
Thirty-nine Steps Talking Pictures TV 18.55
The 70s one. I think this is now the version that film hipsters prefer. Or perhaps it’s gone back to being the Hitchcock version. I don’t know, they should send out emails.
New at the cinema this weekend
Angel has Fallen
Gérard Butler (that’s the spellcheck’s accent. Nothing to do with me) saves world by talking out of the side of his mouth.
DVD of the weekend
Rampage
Government bastards infect wolf, gorilla and Komodo dragon with chemicals that turn them into giants who do a rampage. The Rock duffs everyone up. Second greatest film ever made.
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