It’s the weekend, time to make sacrifice to our Lord Beelzebub or, if that sounds like too much hassle, watch these great films.
Saturday
X-Men Film4 19.00
Bald chap makes loads of mutants live in his cellar.
Die Hard 2: Die Harder E4 21.00
Bruce Willis beats up an airport to celebrate Christmas.
Murder She Baked: A Deadly Recipe 5USA 11:10
Baker lady with great hair solves murders. Came out in 2016. You know what won the Oscar that year? Moonlight. Where’s the justice?
Pearl Harbour 5* 18.40
Story of Japan’s attack on US improved by Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett fighting over a sexy lady.
Sunday
The Lego Movie ITV2 18.00
Buy more Lego (or ‘legos’ as they say in America. Idiots)
Con Air Sony Movie Channel 21.00
Nic Cage’s ponytail saves the day in greatest film ever made
Phenomenon Sony Movie Channel 16.20
No idea. John Travolta seems to have some sort of magic powers. Main reason this is here is because the word ‘phenomenon’ always makes me sing ‘do do, de-doo do,’ like in that Muppets song, and if I’m going to spend the day doing that, so are you.
New at the cinema
The Godfather
Re-release of classic in which bloke sends best friend’s son a book token every year and occasionally meets him and goes ‘by god, you’ve grown.’
The House with A Clock in its Walls
Impractical.
DVD of the week
Rampage
Government bastards infect wolf, gorilla and Komodo dragon with chemicals that turn them into giants who do a rampage. The Rock duffs everyone up. Second greatest film ever made.
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